Thursday, February 5, 2009

Penstrukturan Semula

*gambar sekadar hiasan


Tak dapat dinafikan, apa perkara sekali pun yang kita lakukan sebenarnya cumalah extension atau pengunjuran diri kita ke muka bumi. Lukisan, penulisan, pekerjaan, apa-apa sahajalah, dapat memberi refleksi tentang si pembuat. Walaupun kadangkala ia tak begitu jelas, setelah diperiksa dengan lebih teliti, pasti ada elemen-elemen sifat si pembuat pada apa sahaja yang dibuatnya. Kan?


Blog ini contohnya, dalam diam, ia semakin mendedahkan hidup aku. Tidak, bukan butiran-butiran tentang hidup aku, tapi lebih kepada cara aku hidup...cara aku fikir, cara aku pandang kehidupan yang kemudiannya membentuk hidup aku, kadangkala tanpa aku sendiri sedari.


Ada sesiapa perasan yang blog ini semakin jarang di update? See? Ini memang tipikal proses hidup aku:

1) Mulakan sesuatu.

2) Usahakan untuk beberapa jangka waktu.

3) Kemudian (seperti apa-apa juga perkara di dunia, tiada yang pernah berjalan lancar sepanjang masa) timbul ketidakpastian/ketidakselesaan/masalah.

4) Aku mengelak, menepis, kuis ketepi dan pura-pura tak nampak.

5) Masalah mula menimbun dan membuat aku jadi overwhelmed (walaupun sebenarnya masih manageable)

6) Aku lari.

7) Ulang langkah 1)



Haih..dan kini, lagi sekali aku membiarkan proses yang sama mengatur hidup aku. Sini biar aku beritahu kamu yang akibatnya sangatlah tidak sihat. Even if you're able to escape from it, it'll affect you for life, the sort of thing that you can pretend to brush off and laugh about in front of people but deep down you know it'll haunt you to the day when you're lying on your death bed. Trust me, it'll make you feel shitty.

So here I am, stopping at step 5) and trying to break the old pattern. This time I believe I can actually turn it all around, this time it'll be different, this time....


Tambahan:
------------

Miezi sudah dua kali meninggalkan komen "nikmati hidup hirup demi hirup", walaupun pada mulanya aku buat tak peduli dan terus menerus jadi semakin overwhelmed dengan masalah aku, sekarang aku mula nampak keadaan sebenar.

Hirup demi hirup adalah precisely caranya. Aku ada tendency untuk sentiasa overestimate benda, masalah kecil pun dipandang besar, kalau ada hadiah untuk siapa banyak buat bukit dari sarang tikus tanah (making mountains out of mole hills), mungkin aku akan dapat pingat emas.

Sudahlah aku pandai buat bukit, kemudiannya aku akan sentiasa lihat masalah dan kesannya dalam jangka panjang padahal jangka yang panjang itu bukanlah realiti, belum berlaku pun lagi, semuanya dalam kepala aku. Akhirnya aku jadi overwhelmed (dammit! aku sungguh tak suka perkataan ni) yang seterusnya akan membawa aku ke dalam satu state yang boleh digambarkan semacam satu paralysis. Apabila mati akal, habislah...satu perkara apa pun tak selesai dan inilah yang akan menguja aku untuk melepaskan diri dan lari, lari dan lari lagi.

So yeah, aku pasti antara benda pertama aku perlu buat, adalah mengubah cara aku menghadapi cabaran hidup, jangan kumpul semua dan peningkan kepala dengan consequence setiap satu dalam 2, 3 tahun kehadapan. Instead, aku patut fokus pada satu, selesaikan, dan kemudian move on kepada yang berikutnya, rasanya jika aku boleh fokus pada SEKARANG dan menanganinya detik demi detik, well the future will take care of itself.

Terima kasih atas sokongan kamu semua, much appreciated.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

I do notice the change! and I wish it's just temporary cuz I like reading your blog (before your emotional stress, whatever..) I believe you will be back! (^_^)
Mebbe u need to sort tings out first and what not. It's just a matter of time.

the artist and i said...

ikut saja tempo yang ada.

:D

theblabber said...

off topic sket.
kadang blog ni juga buat aku stress, tp still manageable, spt no (5) anda. baru2 ada org marah aku tak reply komen dia, kalau aku reply pun dgn simbol :)apakah? hmm..macam-macam.

anyway, nasihat yg sama spt sebelum ni,nikmati hidup hirup demi hirup. and do regularly update this blog. i dig all your writings. :)

MariaFaizal said...

You can do it, 47!
I know you know too!
:)

Ara said...

Aku pon same cm kau jgk.. ;p

unicorn said...

u can do it, bro...many people behind u here..berusaha-lah!

theblabber said...

bro,
i suggest u to read "don't sweat the small stuff", or dah pernah baca b4? it such a punchy reading utk mereka2 yg down (aku juga).

kata2 seperti "think of what you have instead of what you want" dgn "people can't be superachievers", membuatkan aku bermuhasabah sekita.

apa pun, yes, u can do it.

Anonymous said...

just go with the flow...

Anonymous said...

Hie there! At times when you feel shitty or the worst...sometimes it is best to release it and find the solution to it. I'm also pretty go in running away from stuffs. I think we can have a competition in running. ^___^. Don't give up. When you feel down, amazing things do happen unexpectedly.
Take care dude!

NeemoNeemo™ said...

Fokus untuk sekarang.ramai gadis menanti.

47 said...

kind anon1:
-----------
thank you kind anon. i love them smileys (^_^)
true enough, i got issues that require my undivided attention right now, once i've dealt with them, life will definitely be better!


ms weed:
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sungguh letih berenang melawan flow cik weed. rasanya saya perlukan pelampung.


miezi:
-------
thank you miezi!


maria:
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your optimism is contagious :) thanks!


ara:
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then join me, let us leave this world of mediocrity and move on to greatness! cewah..haha


unicorn:
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thanks man! berusaha!


kind anon2:
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will do! :)


lisa:
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i hope so too lisa, wonderful things are waiting ahead :) thanks


neem:
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sob sob* thank you neem, itu sememangnya satu alasan yang sungguh kukuh.

Anonymous said...

i have target(dream) dan small step(realistic dream) untuk mencapainya

aku suka prove everyone wrong...so kalau aku cakap...aku mesti buat

poyo takda dalam dictionary aku

once dia kata aku poyo...i would prove them wrong...smile...and shove it

sweetness hi hi hi hi

nurulazreenazlan said...

aha, i totally know what you're talking about my friend. it is so much easier to start something than finishing it =) then again, when you're a procrastinator like me, even starting something will take ages until you get kicked in the butt, hehe.

as much as i love your writing, please don't feel any obligation to write just to satisfy your readers' demands. write when you want to write. it's better that way.

=)

47 said...

erm:
----
good for you, being able to do things that way.


nurul:
-------
oh, i badly need a kick in the butt right now. i figure if i could hire people to kick my butt i'd prolly be in a better place right now.

yep, this blog is only updated when i feel like it, no buttkicking required, unlike other areas of my life. sigh.

thanks!

Anonymous said...

if by rudyard kipling

Anonymous said...

i hope this too, will pass like some other problems/things you had before. i had trouble breathing bila terima news that changed my life and how i see this world. but at one point, i just live my life macam biasa. cos i was so tired thinking about what will happen in the future and let go of the thing that i hate the most iaitu.. anger.

- yellow bird -

47 said...

erm:
----
good suggestion. a great piece of timeless advice.


yellow bird:
-------------
i know it might be a little too late replying now, but i just want to make it known that i appreciate your comment. means a lot to me :)

sure helps letting anger go, i think i myself need to work on that, on letting go of old grudges and hatred.