Wednesday, September 4, 2019


*gambar Pegasus sekadar hiasan

Permulaan sememangnya satu perkara yang menyegarkan.

Agak malang jika difikirkan, berapa ramai di kalangan kita yang takut untuk bermula semula dari kosong? Aku tidaklah terlalu berani, tetapi aku sentiasa jadi ghairah bila aku mulakan sesuatu hal, terutamanya bila bermula dari kosong.

Bagai menjadi kanak-kanak semula. Semuanya jadi permainan tanpa peraturan, peraturan boleh digubah mengikut hati dan logika sendiri, paling tidak pada peringkat awal - sebelum realiti dan limitasi datang menggigit. Tidak selalu berjaya, lebih kerap tergolek dari maju ke depan, tapi itulah kehidupan, ya?

Semakin lama aku perhatikan, rasanya seperti semakin jelas, peraturan nombor satu (order of the day) untuk zaman sekarang ini adalah untuk sentiasa jadi orang baru - sentiasa bermula. Tidak cukup  sekadar menjadi pakar cerita-cerita lama, tapi harus menguasai perkara-perkara baru dan segar.

Nanti kita sembang lagi.

Wednesday, August 28, 2019


Hello there stranger!

I haven't been here in a long while & I have to admit that I feel a little embarrassed by some of the things I've written here - but such is life - it's like returning to your childhood home and find scribbles on the wall of your declaration of love for your crush that you've never really gathered enough courage to talk to.

Being away for a while has given me a somewhat more objective view of what this blog was and how it had affected me, and I would like to make a little note of that observation.

1) In a positive light, it had helped me make sense of my world and thoughts at the time. Friends and relatives may not always understand, and may only be willing to have a good time with you and would rather not deal with your pseudo complex half baked intellectual crises.
So pouring some of this out into the void of blogosfera certainly did help - I had the fortune of meeting a handful of like-minded souls, some of whom are still my friends today.

2) Also in a positive light, I now understand some of the struggles that the smart people within the creative world have to endure - to stay true to oneself.
Even though to you my dear stranger, this place may appear empty, dusty and lifeless, it was once a small ballroom where many balls and masquerade parties were held, and people did come, dance, conversed and drank beer together. (it's blogosfera Malaya, you have to mention beer or allude to your drinking to keep things edgy).

And as such, there was an audience, and with it a realization - am I doing a solo dance for myself or am I putting on a show for others? Am I doing things because I want to do them or am I doing it for the cheering crowd? What if they jeer instead of cheer? What if they go away?

I imagine this is a pretty common struggle that we've all had to deal with, and it's especially obvious within the creative industry.
Extra note:
Even if you're not an artist or a creative, you too have faced/are facing/will face these questions: but they will be bigger and more intimate in nature, so big and so intimate/close to your face that you might not even see them. Eg: Are you where you are today because you want to be there or because you're told to be there? Your personality, you behavior, are you really you or are you putting on an act to meet the expectations set upon you by your family/community? Are your dreams really yours?

Follow the white rabbit?

3) Now, in a negative light, this blog eventually became my place to rant. And let me say this, habit is a powerful thing - and this blog got me hooked on ranting. After some time spent here, I realized that I was becoming quite negative, which I certainly did not appreciate. It seemed to me that spending my time and thought processes on the blog has glued on a pair of negative goggles around my eyes - now (then) all I could look at was what's wrong with people or with my surrounding.
My mind was on a constant lookout for things to criticize or comment about, some of these things were valid, but quite many of them were trivial & being consumed by trivialities is never good my strange friend.

All in all, it has been a good learning process. I hope you benefit from my little note here, or at the very least be mildly entertained by it if that's even possible.
Have a good day & take care.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Of Being in Love..

..or at least, what I think of as love.

I never thought I'd one day sit down to actually type up something related to love. I have been in relationships before, clearly, but love has been elusive throughout.

Maybe I wasn't ready back then? Maybe as I age I have finally developed some semblance of maturity? Maybe it's just my genes buzzing, telling me to find a mate and reproduce before I grow decrepit? Or maybe I'm still a little naive deep down..?

Whatever the case may be, I can't deny what I've felt and learned.

I will now share this exposition of what little I have gained from my brief encounter with love and I hope, especially if you haven't had the good fortune of encountering this rare creature, that maybe you'd benefit from my teeny tiny experience with it.

1) It is a voluntary act.

Attraction is automatic I feel, but to love the person you're attracted is most decidedly voluntary. You're the one who, at one point or another, will have to decide whether to open the floodgate of all the fuzzy feelings you have towards this wonderful person you're attracted to. The downside to this however, is once the the gate is opened, and the feelings have flowed, there's no turning back - what has been spilled can't be un-spilled. Naturally, this leads to point number 2.

2) Vulnerability.

You can't have your cake and eat it too. The only way to experience love is by opening oneself up, and in doing so, you're also opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. Rejection hurts, breaking up hurts, finding out that things aren't going to work out hurts etc - Still, I think it's worthwhile. After all, the first sign of growth is usually some form of pain. If you endure the stings, you will waltz away/around a better and wiser person regardless of the direction your love life goes.

3) Wishes and hopes.

You will wish and hope like you've never wished and hoped before. All the circumstances that are against you and this person you love will be cursed, if not consciously, then certainly subconsciously and all that are in favor of you both will be endlessly praised and blessed almost religiously. You'll see a vision of the future that is damn near crystal clear, and if you have never been the particularly ambitious type, this will be such a paradigm shifting experience for you.

4) Getting to know oneself.

If you're naturally introverted, in my opinion, you're better at understanding yourself than the rest of the population as introspection is a key ingredient in knowing oneself, but even then, introspection can only reveal a certain aspects of you. There are other dimensions to yourself that you can only know through another person...the more intimate, the better. From the silliest of things to the deepest of things, get to know yourself. Temet nosce.

5) Love, like life, involves letting go.

Sooner or later, you will have to let him or her go. Maybe the relationship comes to an end (feeling love is one thing, maintaining a relationship is a whole other thing), and even if it doesn't, given enough time, he or she will be taken away from you or you from him or her.
Such is life, and love.
I see now that life is a huge lesson in letting go.
We've been letting go of things since the very beginning but we never realized it. As children, we willingly and happily let go of our childhood in favor of being teens. Again, as teens, we willingly let go of the stage simply because being adults is way cooler. Now as adults who are all too aware of the fact that aging is real and that life is finite, unwillingly we have to embrace the letting go of youthfulness. Also, don't forget that along the way, we have let go of people, friends who are now almost strangers, relatives who have passed and more.
Until finally, at the end of it all, we have to let go of even ourselves. The selves that we have spent a lifetime shaping, defining, and refining will have to be allowed to sail gently into oblivion.
Sorry if this sounds a little morbid, don't mean to come across that way.

So there you have it, my attempt at creating order out of this tangled mess I have in my head and heart. Maybe this post isn't particularly refined, but it is what it is. Take what you may from it or not.
At the end of the day, don't be too sad if things don't go your way in the love department. Matters of the heart have always been complicated since the beginning of humanity. Take your time, and when you're ready, just move on - ya know, the whole "bunga bukan sekuntum, kumbang etc" deal. Take care!

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

For G

I see the end approaching as surely as I see the dusk pale moon rising,

But for now,

Before the glimmers in our eyes turn into tears, before both our smiles break into quivers, before whispered sweet words become sobs, before the warmth in our hearts fade with time and new memories of tomorrow,

Just hold me like so, and let's not think of this sorrow.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

The Society & Its Demands and Expectations

Some members of the society may be smart, but as a whole, I'm convinced that society is a dumb mass.

Maybe the society now has got you by your balls....
maybe by your neck...
by your mind..

But don't succumb, fight these fools off and push through!

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Jarum Halus Kononnya

*Gambar yang decidedly bukan sekadar hiasan

 Terlalu banyak musuh dan jarum halus dalam fikiran? 
Good luck with that shit 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Tips & Ideas Kehidupan

*gambar sekadar hiasan

What's up people...(kalau masih ada people around-lah)

Salah satu punca bermulanya blog ini adalah kerana aku jenis orang yang mudah jadi irritated dengan perkara-perkara bodoh dan menjengkelkan yang sering berlaku di sekeliling kita. Ah banyaklah... kalau mahu dijelas satu persatu perkara ni memang takkan habis kerana semuanya berpunca dari kebodohan, dan jika ada satu sifat yang jelas pada kebodohan - maka inilah dia:

Kebodohan manusia itu tiada penghujungnya.

Jadi, amatlah tidak bersesuaian kiranya jika aku yang telah menghilang sekian lama kembali menaip di sini hanya untuk menulis semula tentang perkara yang sama, yakni rants "aku geram/marah/sakit hati dengan itu dan ini.."

Alang-alang aku di sini, biarlah apa yang aku bakal tulis ini jadi sesuatu yang berfaedah dan berguna untuk kamu yang membacanya. Berikut adalah beberapa tips dan ideas untuk memudahkan sedikit (sedikit sahaja, tak banyak) hidup kamu. Beruang dalam minda (Bear in mind), aku bukan pakar motivasi, bukan life coach, jauh sekali jutawan muda kosmetik dengan sebuah kereta mewah Jerman, aku cuma seorang young adult (masih consider dirinya young walaupun di hati kadang-kadang rasa tua) yang observant.

Tips & Ideas:

1) Kesempurnaan itu tidak wujud (There's no such thing as perfection).

     Secara umum, boleh dikatakan punca sebenar munculnya rasa irritated, marah, geram dan sebagainya adalah dari diri sendiri yang masih belum sedar akan subjek nombor 1 ini.

Mungkin ada di antara kamu yang kata "ah, ini aku sudah tahu" tapi itulah bezanya antara tahu dan sedar.

     "To know that there is no perfection" itu satu perkara, tapi "to understand and realize that there is no perfection" itu adalah perkara yang langsung berbeza.

      Sifat kehidupan atau kewujudan itu adalah ketidaksempurnaan. Jika ada sesuatu perkara itu dikatakan sempurna dan tiada cacat celanya, I can guarantee you bahawa dengan pernyataan tersebut sahaja menunjukkan yang perkara itu sebenarnya tidak wujud. Apa yang wujud adalah tidak sempurna, dan apa yang sempurna itu tidak wujud.

      Maka terimalah kewujudan dan kehidupan ini dengan segala ketidaksempurnaannya kerana itulah sifat semulajadinya, Wangi, busuk, pandai, bodoh, cantik, buruk, -kesemuanya, as a whole, walaupun sesetengahnya dilihat sebagai negatif, menghasilkan apa yang kita semua sedang alami sekarang, and that is life/existence itself.

       Sungguhpun bunyinya seperti terlalu pesimistik, sebenarnya tidaklah begitu. Pada pendapat aku, hanya dengan menyedari dan menerima keadaan ini secara realistik, baru kita boleh bermula untuk bergerak ke arah penambahbaikan (improvement).


2) Kita semua adalah individu (We are individuals).

    Di Malaysia ini, sudah semacam perkara normal dan biasa untuk meletakkan manusia dalam kelompok general dan secara mudah membuat konklusi begitu dan begini.


kulit kuning, mata sepet
= Cina = Buddhist = rajin = kiasu.

kulit koko, mata tak berapa sepet
= Melayu = Islam = boleh~lah = malas.

kulit gelap, mata tak sepet
= India = Hindu = mungkin kuat minum & samseng.

kulit putih & rambut kuning
= orang putih = Kristian = perlu dilayan extra spesial.

    This is 2014, enough of this shit. Kalau kamu masih berfikir dengan cara begini, aku cadangkan kamu ketuk kepala sendiri dengan lesung batu sehingga retak tengkorak dan pada kadar segera, ketuk testis sendiri dengan kuat sebelum pitam akibat concussion.

     Sudah sedar dari pitam? Bagus. Here's the deal, kita adalah individu tersendiri, warna apa sekali pun kulit dan mata kamu, percaya atau tidak percaya dengan apa tuhan sekali pun, setiap seorang dari kita mempunyai sejarah dan latar belakang tersendiri yang kompleks, yang penuh dengan kepelbagaian pengalaman. Dan dari latar belakang yang tersendiri dan berbeza ini lahirnya individuality.

     Apa yang aku suka, mungkin kamu benci & apa yang aku benci, mungkin kamu suka. Kejayaan bagi aku, mungkin suatu kegagalan bagi kamu & kegagalan bagi aku mungkin satu kejayaan bagi kamu. Ya! percaya atau tidak, tak semua orang memandang kejayaan itu sebagai memiliki kereta besar buatan Jerman sambil bergambar dengan tersengih dan menunjukkan thumbs up dihadapan kereta tersebut, atau berjanggut panjang, berserban, bercelak dan paling kurang ada satu gambar bersama ustad selebriti di galeri gambar facebook.

    Bebaskan diri kamu dari label bodoh yang dilekatkan masyarakat & luaskan skop kamu, dari menutup mata dan telinga kepada pandangan berbeza, belajarlah dari pandangan yang berbeza. Approach begini lebih memperkayakan dan menguntungkan diri dalam jangka panjang.

3) Jadi diri kamu sendiri (Be yourself).

     Mungkin klise bunyinya, tapi itulah kebenaran. Poin ini, naturally, berkaitan dengan poin di atas.

                 "Tanpa label bodoh dan expectations dari masyarakat, siapa kamu sebenarnya?"

     Soalan ini berkemungkinan adalah soalan yang paling penting pernah diajukan kepada kamu. Terutamanya di sini, dengan budayanya yang menggalakkan setiap orang untuk masuk kandang masing-masing dan mengembek apabila diarahkan mengembek.

     Apa yang penting dan tidak penting bagi kamu? Dan adakah yang dikatakan penting itu betul-betul penting atau kamu cuma rasa semacam penting kerana telah dididik untuk menerimanya sebagai penting? Ini cuma salah satu contoh soalan, be creative and come up with more, and then proceed to answer 'em. Fikir dengan lebih mendalam...kemudian dalam sikit lagi.

     Aku tinggalkan task ini untuk kamu buat sebagai kerja rumah, bon voyage & good luck.

4) Perkayakan diri (enrich & nourish yourself).

     Sudah ada jawapan untuk soalan di atas? Excellent! 
Seterusnya, kamu perlu tahu bahawa orang yang paling penting dalam hidup kamu adalah kamu.

Nope! bukan some old long gone religious figure.
Nope! bukan mak atau ayah kamu.
Nope! bukan girlfriend atau isteri kamu.
Nope! bukan anak kamu.
Nope! bukan cucu atau isteri ke-2 kamu.

Tanpa kamu, semua yang di atas akan jadi tak berfaedah, bahkan semua orang yang kamu care about akan jadi lebih susah tanpa kamu, whatever kind of susah - susah hati, susah tiada sustenance, susah tiada kasih sayang etc. Yang paling penting untuk membuatkan perkara-perkara lain matter adalah kewujudan dan wellbeing kamu sendiri.

      Jadi, langkah pertama sebelum menjaga perkara lain adalah dengan menjaga diri sendiri, tahi akan berlaku (shit happens) walau bagaimanapun, tapi aku rasa kamu patut cuba yang terbaik untuk memperkukuhkan diri sendiri dari pelbagai sudut, mental mahupun fizikal.

     Hal ini bukanlah satu titik tinggi yang perlu dicapai, tapi adalah satu proses. Tak penting di mana tahap kamu, yang penting proses itu berjalan. (No such thing as perfection, remember?)

     Berhenti baca Harian Metro, Mastika, URTV, Mangga dan mula baca bahan bacaan yang lebih berkualiti, download e-book kalau tak mahu yang kertas - whatever floats your boat (except for Harian Metro, Mastika, URTV & Mangga obviously).

     Aku juga tahu orang Malaysia ni bangga dengan roti canai dan teh tarik, good for you, tapi janganlah sampai cuma itu yang dimakan dan minum, banyak lagi makanan dan minuman lain yang lebih berkhasiat. Cut down on junks dan mula belajar makan makanan wholesome.

     Pendek kata: Eat less, move more, and read more... 'nuff said.

5) Belajar untuk Agree to Disagree

     Orang Malaysia, mungkin kamu pun dah lama sedar, sememangnya sangat sensitif. Pantang di jolok, pasti melompat. Tak cukup dengan melompat, mereka yang melompat ini kemudiannya akan retaliate - mereka mahu gigit tengkuk kamu.

     Disebabkan kita hidup dalam masyarakat begini-lah yang aku cadangkan kamu semua makan makanan wholesome dan mula memperkayakan (dan memperkuatkan) diri. When retaliation comes, have no mercy, plow these assholes to hell - dengan approach begini sahaja pun sudah cukup untuk meminimakan apa-apa bentuk aggression terhadap diri kamu.

     Ada benarnya juga "Si vis pacem, para bellum". Kalau mahu aman, bersedia untuk fuck shit up - memang berkesan.

     Tapi jati diri aku ini sebenarnya jenis yang cintakan keamanan dan cinta (bukan cintan). Dan bagi aku jalan terbaik dalam memastikan kebanyakan konflik tamat atau diselesaikan dengan baik adalah dengan perkara ke-5 ini.

     Masih ramai yang tidak faham yang adalah tidak wajib ke atas orang lain untuk melihat dunia atau sesuatu benda dengan cara mereka. Kita semua adalah individu, kamu tak boleh expect orang dari background atau budaya berbeza untuk melihat dunia dengan 100% cara kamu melihatnya - don't be this naive.

     So be the bigger man/lady, dan pilihlah untuk agree to disagree apabila berhadapan dengan konflik yang semacam tiada penghujung.


Well, there are probably quite a number more I could list down, but for now, I think these will do and they're probably the most important anyway.

You could be anyone, or you could be someone who is in need of these things I've jotted down, in which case, I wish to say thank you for reading and I hope you got something out of this.

Good night & good luck!