Refractory

Hello there stranger!

I haven't been here in a long while & I have to admit that I feel a little embarrassed by some of the things I've written here - but such is life - it's like returning to your childhood home and find scribbles on the wall of your declaration of love for your crush that you've never really gathered enough courage to talk to.

Being away for a while has given me a somewhat more objective view of what this blog was and how it had affected me, and I would like to make a little note of that observation.

1) In a positive light, it had helped me make sense of my world and thoughts at the time. Friends and relatives may not always understand, and may only be willing to have a good time with you and would rather not deal with your pseudo complex half baked intellectual crises.
So pouring some of this out into the void of blogosfera certainly did help - I had the fortune of meeting a handful of like-minded souls, some of whom are still my friends today.


2) Also in a positive light, I now understand some of the struggles that the smart people within the creative world have to endure - to stay true to oneself.
Even though to you my dear stranger, this place may appear empty, dusty and lifeless, it was once a small ballroom where many balls and masquerade parties were held, and people did come, dance, conversed and drank beer together. (it's blogosfera Malaya, you have to mention beer or allude to your drinking to keep things edgy).

And as such, there was an audience, and with it a realization - am I doing a solo dance for myself or am I putting on a show for others? Am I doing things because I want to do them or am I doing it for the cheering crowd? What if they jeer instead of cheer? What if they go away?

I imagine this is a pretty common struggle that we've all had to deal with, and it's especially obvious within the creative industry.
Extra note:
Even if you're not an artist or a creative, you too have faced/are facing/will face these questions: but they will be bigger and more intimate in nature, so big and so intimate/close to your face that you might not even see them. Eg: Are you where you are today because you want to be there or because you're told to be there? Your personality, you behavior, are you really you or are you putting on an act to meet the expectations set upon you by your family/community? Are your dreams really yours?

Follow the white rabbit?


3) Now, in a negative light, this blog eventually became my place to rant. And let me say this, habit is a powerful thing - and this blog got me hooked on ranting. After some time spent here, I realized that I was becoming quite negative, which I certainly did not appreciate. It seemed to me that spending my time and thought processes on the blog has glued on a pair of negative goggles around my eyes - now (then) all I could look at was what's wrong with people or with my surrounding.
My mind was on a constant lookout for things to criticize or comment about, some of these things were valid, but quite many of them were trivial & being consumed by trivialities is never good my strange friend.


All in all, it has been a good learning process. I hope you benefit from my little note here, or at the very least be mildly entertained by it if that's even possible.
Have a good day & take care.